amberj’s writings

the timing was dreadful
the pace was olympic
it all came into one.this one day.
this one time. all of it.
all at once.

i still feel he pain every day.
but somehow, someway i know its all right.

everything that i love about you
everything that is all but true in my heart
is not what i want to be
or what i want to be around
my heart aches
longs for your embrace.
but i want to push you away,
throw out the key
why?
i am not me.
around you
things i love are left forgotten.
i feel mistakes were made.
if i say i am sorry
i dont think it matters
its not a sorry
its a way of life
what i want and what i have
or will have is not that same.
i crave that thing we have.
but it only leads to my destruction.
i am comfortable.
playable. restless.
need a new way. new life.
you wouldnt get in the way,
but you are impedeing the progress
i am comfortable. not happy.
restless. not relaxed.
it kills me inside
i feel there was a lead on.
i feel like i saw it coming
i know what they say
i know how it works
there is always more than 1 way
if it has to be this way.
than let it be.
i will be gone, there will be nothing left.
loss. sorrow. no regrets.
it cant surface until it needs to.
forgive me my love
but i must let you go.
i cant hide it no longer.
there is more
but i cant let it bother me now..

thou times my try us
you will always be mine
and thou the sun may not always come up for us
always you will be in my heart & soul, and though time

might escape us through the years
our love will hold strong
and you shall always be the one whom my heart holds dear
throughout our lives, and forever beyond lifelong

today i reaffirm my commitment to you
in front of the people who cherish our relationship
through and through i say this to you
knowing that this will just be a blip

in our infinite love for one another always and forever
I am truly yours for infinite eternity near or far close and together

Their toxic stench
reeked of fate
shall we answer it
we told ourselves no
their poison they entrusted us with
seemed far to shallow
a gift for a friend
a wait
a lonely silence
until
they try and take us over again
the ride they gave us was
too
far
over
the
top
we fought the fight
we could never win
we struggled the struggle
we never needed to
it always comes back to the question
why do this to a friend
feeling low now
feeling tired now
feeling worn down and asinine now
i think we’ll let go
i think we’ll fall away
you know its the right thing
and so do we

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i cannot tie these knots tight enough
around my thoughts
consuming me, killing me
pushing me to my core
obnoxious bickering
fighting without words
my head is a cacophony of sickness
how could i ever forget
the words
the deafening words
endless wars
they never have ceased
even after all of these years
i still HATE her.him
i still know these wounds
i still FIGHT her.him
everyday
you do not cease in your judgments
my thoughts are enough to keep the pain alive
i do not want it
yet i crave it all the same.

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dust fills the cobwebs of the inner creases of my mind
of those times we shared, the awkwardness of emotions
the feelings of our breaths touching
two separate worlds now
never again
i never wanted it
neither did you
it just happened
and we live on
separately
forever.

the door is half way open
if you dare to step through
i cannot take the abuse
you silently consume
i push myself away
from the very thing i am
why you just step over it
like its all pretend
i dont force a smile
you put it their for me
i force my screams
but you silence them with laughter
i cannot help myself
i am not but only one person
stop the bleed
stop the cut
into my heart
your curse reveals
the ugly sickness you caused me

you burned my soul
to the ground
etched out my heart
with a razorblade
cut back the layers and
scorched it with your searing fire of
anger.

fuck family; scratch that<
fuck people who judge me.
fuck people who think i am crazy
fuck people who think i am bipolar
fuck people who think i am schizo
fuck people who really fucking care if i am the last three
fuck DRAMA
fuck people who cause drama
fuck people who want drama
and double fuck the people who try and put me in the middle of their drama
fuck people who think they know me.
i am about as honest on myspace and yahoo 360 as i am in life.
i do not create someone online different than who i really am in person
i did not start blogging or using myspace for amusement or to “hook-up” with friends
(although that is more or less what i use it for now)
i started it for the simple reason that i wanted to get my hurt and frustration out of my head.
i am no different here than in real life.
fuck being fake
it doesn’t help
at all
fuck the bitter, shallow, mother fucking people who do NOT know who i am and assume that i am this certain way because i was that way in the past.
they cannot know me unless they spend actual TIME with me.
1 day, 3 days or a week does NOT count!
I am different than i was 2 years ago (before i met Sol)
not kinda different; WAY different
i have a different attitude on life
I have a purpose where there was none before.
I am even different than 6 months ago.
I got married in November of last year.
yeah i was different then.
not as much. but i become healthy and happier everyday.
i am different because i LOVE my life.
i cherish every moment.
i will not nor am i a door-mat for other people
i want to be different NOT normal.
fuck normal because it is VERY overratted
i want to be who i want to be
i want to love whom i want to love
fuck anyone who disagrees with the fact that i am happy.

fuck it im done.

I know how you feel
i have been there to
awake in the darkness
and falling into oblivion
scared of an answer
scared of a question
i see you sitting there
dark hair
mascara smeared
trying to figure out the mess
I wish i could take you away
to a better place
i have been there to
i know how you feel
i truly do
because just like you
i hate to deal with him
walking on a tightrope
afraid to say a word
scared to open up
scared to be closed
for yourself
you are brave
you are wise
this will get better
keep pushing on
keep your head above the water
i know what it feels like to be drowning;
and the only person who can help you is yourself
remember I am here also.
I know how you feel
i have been there to.